There was little girl who lived along one of the busy streets at the outskirts of Quezon City. Not yet five, she longed for a pet she could care for. Since her elder brother had asthma, pets are not allowed in their home, until that day when someone gave her a duckling. She named it KOY.
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| Artwork by eleven year old Gina Muga |
As in any other duckling, KOY was a cute, round, bundle of joy. She followed it around, gently placing it in a small cardboard box with its food and water when she's not around. The little girl was very happy that she had KOY to care for.
One day, tired from playing with her toys, she took a nap in their sofa. She placed Koy in her tummy and watched it close its eyes too before going to sleep. When
she woke up, KOY was not there. Where could it be? She looked and looked for
it everywhere but she could not find
it. She asked one of their househelpers
who told her that the duckling died because she rolled over it while she was
asleep . "Nadaganan mo siya."
She was heartbroken upon learning this. She was afraid to tell her parents that she may have accidentally killed her pet. Tears fell from her eyes.
The
child who grieved over the loss of KOY was me. That
was my first experience with grief over something I deeply cared for.
Years later, I would experience the death of three people in my family- my father and two brothers. I missed them until now.
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| Artwork of Gina Muga |
Years later, I would experience the death of three people in my family- my father and two brothers. I missed them until now.
In my
work, I have
co-journeyed with individuals who have lost their loved ones, some in the most
tragic of circumstances. I have
likewise had a the opportunity to care
for children and adolescents who have lost their loved ones.
One of
the most important thing to remember is that we adults are there to provide the
healing presence to children and adolescents.
The care, the empathy, the kindness, the gentleness, the presence that
would mean, I am here for you, I will be here for you. You are safe in my care. I will stay with you now.
This is
expressed in how we speak, how we explain to them what happened if we are the
relative of the deceased, how we patiently listen and let them tell their own
story.
Even if
they do not tell their story at once.
I was
able to talk to a social worker in a
non-governmental organization helping children survivors in armed conflict who
related to me that they have a a child who was a witness to
a politically motivated massacre of her father and her siblings. The child had to be transferred to Manila
from their hometown in the province. She
finally got to tell her story to them after a number of months. A very bright child, she also was able to go
back to school after that.
Hindi kailangang madaliin ang mga
bagay-bagay lalo kapag kausap natin ang
mga bata.
I
remember a seven year old boy whose twin brother died from a lingering
sickness. His mother, herself grieving
after the incident, told me that her son refused to go to school because
the parents of his classmates were badgering him to provide details over and
over again. Since he did not like to talk about what happened, the parents
brought these to the attention of his mother. “Sobra na ang anak mo, ayaw
magkwento." The mother would ask them to
understand her child who has just lost someone very dear to them.
Now
even the grieving child is burdened by expectations of people who are not even
direct relatives of the deceased.
Nakakalungkot.
It is in this situation that the parents of the child decided to transfer him to another school.
Even
parents of children who are grieving may be disturbed by the changes they see
in their child. A couple was having
difficulty in relating to their 12 year old son, their eldest, who was
grieving the death of a cousin who was very close to him. The cousin, who is based in the Australia committed suicide. The parents were
complaining that he would spend larger chunk of time in Facebook instead of
helping in household chores.
They
may need to give their son and their own selves more understanding and
compassion now more than ever.
The
son confided that he was having difficulties with reprimands and
words spoken to him which he felt judged and unloved.
Children
grieve differently from each other. How soon they will get over their grief
over the loss of something or someone dear to them is dependent on their developmental
level, their temperament, the caring
given by their primary care providers be it their parents or some other
significant adults, their community’s support system.
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| Ako Para sa Bata Manila Conference, with fellow speaker Lyra Versoza, organiser Dr. Sandra Hernandez delegates Jingle Mira and Michelle Balce |
